cosmo: knowledge is power

during a recent trip to my neighborhood 7-11, i picked up the latest cosmopolitan magazine. this issue featured the ever-pregnant heidi klum during one of the off months that she did not have a bun in the oven.

as is my routine with a new magazine, i first had a quick look at the ads and headlines of articles. next, i go over the magazine a second time and start to read the first paragraph of the articles with the more interesting titles. finally, when i have hours to spare, i make my third and final round through the sexy woman's magazine.

this time, i start to take in all of the information that is presented (much of which i have read time and time again from past issues). how to wear this top, why not to wear skinny jeans, how to get him to drop his pants at the drop of a hat... all these helpful life lessons and more reside within the hallowed pages of cosmo. and, as usual, i find myself doubting that if i don this certain dress with that special bra, that particular boy will instantly ask for my number and want to marry me.

don't get me wrong -- i absolutely love cosmo. every time i see those glossy covers with the beautiful stars of hollywood in my local grocery stores, i cannot help but fork over the six-odd dollars that will allow me to leave with a new magazine (legally). i love the ads, the articles, the pictures, the sample perfumes... i even find a certain satisfaction in ripping the numerous subscription sheets from in between pages. finally, i love ripping my favorite advice pages and ads from the magazine and pasting them wherever i have free space on my bedroom walls. the addition of new pictures on my walls never fails to excite me (which is why i have continued to decorate my room even though i will have to move out in approximately six days).

but reading all of the explicit tips on how to blow your man's mind always leaves me puzzled. how am i supposed to employ these man-snatching tactics when i can barely read the articles without blushing?

maybe i'm not meant to follow cosmo's advice exactly. maybe there are other women out there who feel that not wearing underwear under a short skirt is asking for trouble. but i am still plagued by the thought that maybe some cosmo-reading girls actually do lead these crazy and borderline overly sexy lives. maybe some girls do take this advice to heart and put vaseline on their nipples in order to achieve a perfect self tan on their chests. maybe other girls use lines like, "hey i'm sexy and that's why you should let me bypass the line into this club!" surely this type of girl exists and has treated cosmo like it is described in legally blonde -- "the bible."

but the worst thing? i wish i had the balls to be a cosmo girl.

so bad.